What It Really Feels Like to Lose Your Hair During Chemotherapy

After my second round of chemotherapy, my hair started falling out rapidly.

At first, it was just strands… everywhere.
But within a few days, it turned into clumps.

Every time I brushed my hair, it was heartbreaking.
Even when I simply ran my fingers through it, large pieces would come away in my hand.

Of course, I knew this was coming.

But no one and nothing can truly prepare you for what it feels like to watch your own hair fall away,
to witness it, day by day.

I knew I had reached a point where something had to change.

Even though I wanted to hold on to it for as long as possible, it became too painful to see the loss every single day.

So I decided it was time to let it go.

It was a Sunday afternoon, after lunch.

We sat down with the girls and talked about what was going to happen.

My older daughter, Bella, found it very difficult. She cried the whole time.

I separated my hair into small sections.

And together with Bryn and my younger daughter, Dorina, we began to cut it.

By that point, my hair was already short.

But even then, when I touched it, the shorter strands continued to fall out.

It was clear that leaving it short was not an option. It had to be shaved.

When Bryn took out the clippers and started cutting, even my younger daughter became upset and chose not to watch.

Afterwards, I took a shower, shaved my head completely, and put on one of the headscarves I had bought.

And something shifted.

The pain of watching my hair fall out, and the heaviness of cutting it, was replaced by a sense of calm.

I explained to the girls that I was no longer sad.

It felt better to be completely without hair, wearing a scarf, than to continue watching it fall out day after day.

I couldn’t have done this without Bryn. I’m so grateful for his support, both in helping me through the haircut itself and in holding me emotionally through it all.

Since then, I’ve found a website where I was able to order wigs.

Luckily, they are good quality and quite similar to my original hair in both style and colour.

When we go out, I usually wear a wig.

At home, I prefer headscarves, they are simply more comfortable.

The girls were worried that people might say something or be unkind.

I explained to them that most people, if they see someone wearing a headscarf in this situation, understand why.

And they wouldn’t say anything hurtful.

I’ll be honest, it feels very different to be without hair.

There is nothing to keep my head and neck warm.

Even at night, I need to have something covering my head.

Looking in the mirror is still unfamiliar.

The person looking back at me is not the same as she was just a few weeks ago.

When I go out wearing a wig, I often find myself adjusting it, checking if it has moved.

If someone looks at me, my first thought is:

Do they know I’m wearing a wig?

I don’t know when that feeling will settle.

But I trust that, with time, it will.

I’ve now completed three rounds of chemotherapy. Five more to go.

And hopefully, after all of this… my hair will begin to grow again.

This is not just about losing hair…

It’s about letting go of control, facing change, and slowly learning to recognise yourself again in a new form.